One For the NLU.One last ride

I do realize that most posts in this blog have revolved around NLU and I wont be able to continue this anymore as my law school life has reached its dead end. Now that farewell mails have started coming, It began to sink that everything is for last time. Last project, last viva, last class, last visit to Hans, last late night bakchodi with friends at SRK 410 and last days of comfort zone. So when people ask me to write a post one last time I see Vin Diesel in them and just smile like Paul walker for One last ride.

 This month almost everyone who has met me, had asked me these  questions at least once:

1) NGS, next blog kab aa raha hai ? One last time
2) Party kab de raha hai ?
3) Itna C****a hua kyun lag raha ?
4) Delivery kab hai ?

To satisfy the first query, I want to thank  each and every reader of mine for giving me so much love and affection. Everyone who doesn't even know me personally, but has appreciated my stupid posts, talked about it or admired it, It means a lot. If I had a time machine to go back in past and set things right and restart my life, I might not use it coz everything I gained in terms of you people will be lost.

 For second query, I must say SRK people have a long history of missing deadlines and are  too lazy to do anything that requires planning. But Lannisters Always pays their debts.

Third is not in my control man. Getting out of cocoon after half the decade is a mixed feeling. God knows what's in store outside when we won't require outpasses anymore.

For forth one. F*** U man ! I tried dieting, 7 minute workout, even downloaded NIKE App for Running, but one can of beer has 154 calories. Can u blame ME for that ?!!

These queries are easy to handle. But it hurts a little like when people like Rohit Bhaiya asked in RK mess, " Job Kahan Lagi Aapki ".
"Pehle ek masala maggi bana dijiye, bohot der se khada hun" I said
"Aapke paas vacancy hai kya ? Can I apply ? In campus placement ho jayegi finally" I wanted to say.

After the record breaking placements by our junior batch, Campus looks like that of NLS, while we are Exchange students from CNLU visiting it temporarily. Do one thing tonight, Just stand in the middle of mess arc, and look at all the faces around. Every third face will reek of employment. Wonder why are not 5th years allowed to sit for Day Zero. Jab Jawan ladka Ghar mein baitha ho to chote bhaiyon ki shadi kaise pehle kara sakte hain. These little Mofos @#$%&*

Jokes apart, many congratulations for raising the standard of NLU. U guys are just brilliant and I am sure your juniors will learn and raise the bar higher so that we could bask in the glory of NLU Tag and I can tell my Son in future that " I got into one of the finest law School of this country, but never ran after job like fools. U too get into something similar my son. Now go and complete your homework" " **Picks up bank account and tissue paper and starts sobbing as soon as son leaves the room**

I do feel strongly about the rights of teetotalers in NLU. They are the most genuine people in here but our way of celebration is very unfair to them. I want to put on a batman mask and ask everyone during orientation before joining NLU, " Tell me, Do you drink?"........ and then give the Superman reply " U will".  If they have turned up for any party, that means they genuinely obliged you and you should thank them for this.

I feel happy and sad at the same time when I see people deciding what to wear for Farewell or what to speak in farewell speech.Whole Atmosphere is bidding Good Bye. If you will look above in the sky surrounding campus you can see stars forming letters " Bye Bye NLU" with a "YS Images" watermark in one corner. Most of us are quite excited about farewell as this might probably the last time in our lives to feel special. Some have taken the slave thing so seriously that they are practicing Fifty Shades of Grey's tasks.

So many things coming to an end altogether.

Na VC ka darr, Na attendance ki Fikar
Na AKS ki deadline, Na RPD ki punchline
Na Shastri ka platform, Na CRE ki Uniform
Na Asha Bhandari, Na college ki Yaari
Na Manisha Mam's smile, Na OP ka style
Na Shovik ka aaram, Na show cause ka farmaan
Na Manoj Ka taxation, Na Parveen ki tension
Na Rosmy ka sweet nature, Na humara dark future
Na Chitra ki Kranti, Na Messi ki Shanti
All that's left is Farewell And Conti
( Sorry, Kuch Ban nahi raha :P)

Will Miss everything about this college. I want to thank everyone From VC ( for not filing case against me u/s 66A) to the Guards who allowed me to go out without outpass every single day.

Writing farewell Msges for everyone  is not possible but I will try my best to convey  my good bye, if you have smiled back at me at least once in all these years. For those I can't, I want to thank here for all the love, support, criticism and appreciation. Thank you soo much. Will Miss U all.

SWINE FLU KA DHOOM DHADAKA HU HA HU HA !

As the first case of H1N1 virus was reported positive in NLU, panic struck masked students were seen running around as if someone has planted a bomb in Campus. As soon as the authorities declared holiday for two weeks, campus was buzzing with news channels like ABP News, AAJ Tak , Headlines Today and Sumit Kumar Ganguly. The VC had decided to address the media in a press conference so I couldn’t resist sliding in and seeing what’s happening.

I was struggling my way into the conference hall but everyone was pushing me around. It was only when an ABP reporter stepped back and allowed me to come forward. I thanked him surprisingly, to which he replied” This is ABP News. AAP ko rakhe aage.”

 VC was sitting in the centre with all the prominent faculty members (And Shastri ji). The conference started:

Reporter1: Maa’m we have been hearing complains since past few weeks.Why was no action taken before?

VC: The moment I received complaints, ‘I was pleased’ to order my PA to call medical experts for a lecture in this topic and also asked him to arrange to quarantine this place. He could not understand my directions properly and called Quentin Tarrantino for lecture. I discovered it only a week later when he informed me that Quentin could not be reached and he has called Anurag Kashyap instead. I transferred my PA immediately using appropriate sections of Transfer of property Act. Now notices have been put up in mess area and HOR’s describing the meaning of the word ‘Quarantine’ for those who are demanding it without knowing what it means.

Reporter 2 : What actions have been taken to restrict the movement of persons in the campus ?

Chief warden stood up to answer this query but no one noticed him. It was only when he shouted out loud “ Ae Pharjee reporter!”, all cameras turned towards him. He said” We have been very far sighted about this and we have restricted the movement of people inside campus by out pass system ever since college was established. From now on, every time our students have to get their out pass signed by a swine flu expert also in addition to regular warden and chief warden.

Reporter 3: Is it a wise move to declare a sudden vacation for such a long period ?

Registrar, who was sitting in the public area, got up and faced the reporters” It was a tough call for an institute which never declared holidays even for gazetted holidays like Gandhi Jayanti. Rumours had it that a statue of Nathu Ram Godse was being installed in the green shed near acad block. For keeping the college open on occasions like Raksha Bandhan, Janm Asthami, Durga pooja, and celebrating events like valentine day, we were being branded anti-Hindutava by the new government. So we needed to send a strong message and compensate for all the vacations that have been taken away from our students to stay in good books of the government.

                             

Reporter 4: What about the placement Schedule that might get affected ?

Placement Kumar Sir, stood up this time to explain: "Yesh yesh. We had invited some law Firms and PSU’s for recruitment in this phase but they are very co-operative. They have agreed to shift the dates and meanwhile asked the students to re-submit their applications in Word Format, Excel Format, powerpoint format, PDF, paint, photoshop and also in ink and send scanned copies of the same to keep them engaged during this time. Anyways they have no vacancies now” He grinned.

Reporter 4:But how will students get reservations to go back home on such a short notice.

Placement Kumar Sir: I have an inside information that service tax and excise will be increased in this budget. So in my opinion it is better to avail the airline services before it is too expensive to afford. Anyways most students were already planning a Goa trip this semester so we are just facilitating their plan.

Reporters then turned towards students and asked what measures have been taken by the administration to help the infected and suspected cases.

Ganguly jumped in to answer but mike was snatched by a group of angry students who were suffering from normal cold.” it is a terrible situation here. Anyone who sneezes in the vicinity is looked down upon and is being treated as if he is not an NLUite anymore but Amity law Student. Ever since I caught simple cold, people are avoiding me like a Paid SDL Party. Every one has advice for us and it looks more like AIIMS than NLU. Even the dumbest of student is flaunting his knowledge on swine flu and talking in terms of N95 and oseltamivir phosphate, giving most of us an inferiority complex.

After this, many students and reporters started shouting and there was a complete chaos in the room till Shastri Ji stepped out, stood in the middle and closed his eyes. The room fell silent. Then he shook his head several times and spoke” If I may take the platform for 45 seconds, I am deeply desirous of giving you the precious advice that your voluminous queries could be satisfied only if you take your respective platforms in a prescribed manner.” Everyone stared at him with a look of absolute shock and confusion. He inserted his hands inside the collar of his Kurta and pulled out a pen drive that was tied around his neck and balanced it on his palms.”This memory device resting in my palms has all the answers that you seek as it has research papers on pre-conception and Pre-natal diagnostic technique Act, which according to me answers all queries arising in human mind in this world.” He stopped for a moment, checked his watch and continued ”As promised, my 45 seconds are over and I beg your leave as I have to procure my sitting arrangement in Mandore express at Platform one. Thank you.” He bowed and waited for applause, but when no one clapped he hurriedly left the room.

Students left to book Tatkal and flight tickets, shouting " Swine Flu Ka Dhoom Dhadaka Hu Ha Hu Ha!

#KejriwalforVC: Is baar chalegi Daaru

Very few people know that as a back up option after Delhi polls, Kejriwal has also applied for the post of VC in NLU Jodhpur. I was fortunate enough to get an exclusive interview with the Mufflerman himself.

Me: So Arvind ji, why do you want to be the VC of NLU Jodhpur ?

Kejriwal: I never wanted to be the VC of NLU. Main toh sirf Janta ke liye yeh sab kar raha hun. When I reached Jodhpur, It  was probably the end of a semester in NLU aur Janta Sweet home Pe NLU crowd ka itna bada jan sailaab dekhkar main samajh gaya ki Janta Sandwich mein bohot takat hai. Main yeh apne liye nahi kar raha, Janta special Sandwich ke liye kar raha hun.

Me: But why did you choose NLU Jodhpur in particular ?

Kejriwal: Dekhiye ismein do baatein hain. Main Hamesha 5 saal poora karna chahta tha. Sunne mein aaya ki yeh NLU ke bacchon ko 5 saal poora nahi karne de rahe hain. Ek course ke liye bacchon ko 7-8 sal tak college mein rakha jata hai. Main toh bada surprised hua yeh dekh kar ki  kuch ko toh 8 saal ke baad bhi degree nahi dete. Isiliye main "5 Saal With Kejriwal" ka naara lekar uthar gaya maidaan mein.

 Phir yeh bhi sunne mein aaya ki students ko bohot hectic schedule diya jaata hai aur sham ko jab woh relax hone ke liye baithte hain to hostels mein raid daal kar unki bottles seize kar li jaati hain. Woh seized bottles jaati kahan hai, iska jawaab nahi diya jaata aur fine laga diya jata hai aam aadmi pe. Yehi to scam hai. Isiliye toh lad rahe hain hum log. Par ab aisa nahi hoga. Is baar Chalegi ..Daaru.. *cough**cough* I mean Jhaadu.

Me: So,what is your action plan for NLU ?

Kejriwal: Agar Muddon ki baat karein to dekhiye sabse pehle to humein har jagah se CCTV Cameras hatane honge. Gates pe, library mein, yahan tak ki R.K mess mein bhi CCTV laga rakha hai. Isse guards ko excuse mil gaya hai ki gate par outpass dena jaroori hai kyunki warden sahab dekh rahe hain. Raat ke 1 baje bhi jao, toh bolte hain warden sahab dekh rahe hain. Lekin jab permission lene room pe jao to pata chalta hai 10 baje hi so gye ! Aise to nahi chalega na ?

 
 Jagah Jagah CCTV’s hone se couples ke liye spots bhi kam ho gye hain. Hum aam aadmi hain ji, chote log hain, dabe, kuchle gareeb log hain. Humare paas har weekend Pe Park Plaza mein room book karane ke paise nahi hain. Hum to campus mein hi kabhi library mein to kabhi football field pe jo thoda bohot milta hai, usi mein khush rehte hain. Toh cameras hatana bohot jaroori hai.

Doosra, humein poore campus ko wifi banana hoga. College ka net to chalta nahi hai. Chandraveer se lekar Registrar tak sab mile hue hain. AIB Knockout dekhne ke liye bhi mujhe subah  char baje tak intezaar karna pada, tab jaake youtube chala. Kuch logon ne toh is wajah se intra se withdraw bhi kar liya. Yeh bhi sunne mein aa raha hai ki hostels mein connectify mafia chalta hai, jisse kuch log internet ka poora bandwith apne mobiles aur laptops pe kheech lete hain. Isliye sabse pehle har laptop ki jaanch honi chahiye. Aur incognito mode mein auditing ki jayegi  jisse ki sabhi ko internet barabar istemaal karne ka mauka mile.

Abhi kal mujhe ek gareeb aadmi tuck shop ke paas mila. Bola Arvind ji, aap please kabhi Lan khol ke dekhiye NLU ka. New folders bana rakha hai par andar kuch masala hi nahi hai. Bina internet ke aam aadmi aakhir kahan jayega. IIN ?

Me: According to you, what is the basic problem in the attitude of the present administration ?

Kejriwal: Sabse pehle toh humein moral policing rokni hogi. Jis tarah BJP waale bolte the vikas karenge..vikas karenge.. aur jab satta mein aa gye to ladkiyon se bola ki jeans mat pehno. Usi tarah wardens aaye, bole padhai karenge..padhai karenge.. aur girls hostel mein ghus ke bole ladkiyon Jeans pehen lo.. Aise shorts mein mat ghooma karo *cough**cough*.  BJP waale bolte hain 4 bacche paida karo..aur yahan bechare ladkon ki ek bhi girlfriend nahi ban rahi... kahan se hoga vikaas?

Phir bijli paani ki samasya hai. Top floor waalon ko ek floor neeche jaana padta hai paani bharne ke liye. Raat mein jab coke khatam ho jati hai to paani toh milana hi padta hai. Ab toh tuck shop bhi band karwa di hai aur first years bhi aankh dikhane lage hain. Ek floor neeche jaane ka mann nahi hota. Sabhi floor walon ke liye barabar paani pahuchana hamari priority hogi.

 Acchi faculty attract karne ke liye aur law firms invite karne ke liye incentive nahi dete par cctv aur faaltu ke construction mein laakhon rupaye laga dete hain. 600 logon ke college mein 4-4 mess khol rakhi hai. Kabhi kabhi toh lagta hai, National Law University nahi National Food University hai. Is wrong allocation of funds ki CBI Jaanch honi chahiye.

 Itna bada college hai, aur maine suna hostels mein generators tak nahi hain. Placement 25 logon ki bhi nahi hoti par placement fees sabse har saal lee jaati hai. Jo saara din room pe baithe CS aur DOTA khelte hain, unse bhi Gym aur sports fee vasooli jaati hai. Course material ke naam par random case laws copy paste kar ke paise barbad kiye jaate hain. Choti- choti baat par hazaron rupaye ka fine lagaya jata hai. Inko website pe saari details daalni chahiye ki janta ke paise kahan jaa rahe hain. Outpass ke chakkar mein itna paper, time aur energy waste karte hain. Outpass system turant band kiya jaana chahiye.

 Bola jaata hai ki yahan pe highest CGPA waale ko student’s representative bana diya jaata hai. Yeh kya baat hui ji? Unse pooch toh lijiye jinko woh represent karne wale hain ? Har faisala janta se pooch kar hona chahiye. Aisi bohot saari basic baatein hai jo aaj tak nahi hui. Par ab aam aadmi jaag gaya hai. Woh chup nahi baithega *cough*cough*.

Maine to bola tha Didi se ki Moot court hall mein open debate kar lete hain, Shastri ji moderate kar lenge.. Ab to auditorium bhi ban gaya hai, wahi debate kar lein par madam apna 3”D” formula repeat karti rahi : Darana, Dhamkana aur Debar karna. Iska vorodh hona chahiye ya nahi, Iska faisala main Janta Sandwich kha kar karunga. Abhi SDL mein Chanda collect karne ke liye Daaru Pe Dance with Kejriwal ka program rakha hai. Uske bad aapse baat karta hun. Dhanyawaad.