Aam Aadmi's Relationship Issues

This indeed is a season of Aam Aadmi. It has affected each and every household and everyone is talking in those terms. Today when my mom shouted angrily this cold morning “Aaj bhi tum nahi nahaye na ? aakhir kab nahaoge ? I was quick to reply “ Kal se pakka , jab 700 litre paani free hoga aur geyser ka charge 50 % less lagega.

 Excuse Level: Kejriwal :P

Seeing my interest in public service these days, a friend of mine came to me and shared that he likes a girl and that girl too is giving him hints of  “unconditional support”, and asked my advice. I told him “ dekh bhai, hum aam aadmi hain, chote aadmi hain, dabe , kuchle , bechare, single log hain. Par humare Mudde hain. There is nothing like “unconditional support”. It’s a trap.

Then I grabbed a pen and paper and made a list of 10 issues that should be clarified before entering into any kind of relationship. One copy to be sent to the girl and other to his ex- boyfriend(s).  

                   Issue 1 : VIP treatment to the girlfriend should be stopped

No Boy of Delhi, either friend zoned or committed , will give ride around the city to his girl in his car or bike.They will have to travel by metro and charges will be shared.

                  Issue 2: “ Jaanu Look at Bill “

Boys will agitate and protest against Jaanu Look at bill policy and girls will have to pay their own bill. A strong agitation and protest will be carried out to make boyfriends independent.

                 Issue 3: Re-instating Boys Raj

Power to decide on matters regarding talking on phone and meeting will be given straight to boys. They are not expected to compromise on sports or booze party to attend their girls.

           Issue 4: Friendship to be given Full Status of committed relationship

 All the friend zoned nice guys to be given the status of a committed relationship and should not be exploited under the cover of being friends.

           Issue 5: Auditing of Telephone Bills

 It will be the duty of both the parties to get tariff plans fulfilling the needs of both the parties and boys alone will not get special tariff recharge while girls giving them missed calls. Each other’s phone will be recharged on reciprocal basis.

         Issue 6: Last seen on Whatsapp

Some boys suspect that their girls say good night early but are last seen on whatsapp at a much later time. An independent friend will be appointed to look into this.

         Issue 7 :Seven Kisses a Day For Free

All boys are entitled to get at least seven kisses a day for free, without giving a gift in any form. However on exceeding seven kisses, girls can demand a chocolate or an ice-cream.

        Issue 8: Regularization of Arguments

Senseless arguments by the girls shall not be entertained and girls are expected to have some  point appealing to the reasoning of a prudent man while Arguing. Use of tears is strictly prohibited.

       Issue 9: Dates to be Dropped by 50 %

Demanding to go out on date every second day needs to be checked and focus should be on spending quality time within budget. A movie in the weekend and at max a dinner out should be more than sufficient.

      Issue 10: Anti Dumping Policy

Once the support is given, It shouldn’t be withdrawn before six months of the relationship.

Now if you are willing to support me in all the above mentioned issues , SMS " I love you " with a kissing smiley on my number and block your ex-boyfriend(s) from whatsapp and Facebook.

Don’t underestimate the power of a common man ;)

ISKA FAISALA JANTA KAREGI !

[Note: This is my unedited post for faking news ( www.my.fakingnews.firspost.com) dated 23-12-13)]

Resolution 2014

As per my new year resolution 2004, drafted under the influence of adrenalin rush after reading Shiv Khera's "Jeet Aap Ki", I am an alumni of IIT-K, presently in IIM-A, and all set to settle abroad. Today when I sit to pen down my Resolution 2014 I see myself sitting jobless for more than a month now, surfing FB, and clicking at picture of Shiv Khera that reads Aap Chutiye Hain.

  This was bound to happen as at the end of every year I take life's most important decisions, and design the master plan of my life , either under the shower or while taking a dump. So I'm not surprised that it all went down the flush. Anyways, jab ghar mein pada ho Sona..phir kahe ka rona Zzzzzz....

Although Shiv Khera taught me that Losers don’t make different mistakes, they repeat the same mistakes differently, It is hard to resist the temptation of making a new year resolution one more time. However old you might be, you give yourself one more chance. Wanna know my resolution ? ( Don’t worry, I wont crack the 1920 x 1080 HD resolution joke)

 It is said that it is never too late for anything. But mine is ICU case. Now when I pray to God, even God acts like a filmy doctor and says “ Agar aap 2-3 saal pehle yahan aaye hote to shayad aapki Zindagi hum bacha sakte the. I am sorry ”

One more year comes to an end and I am still pondering over questions like " Why do men have nipples" Aur Agar Bob Marley to hum kyon na maar lein ?? Now when my Dad shows concern about my future and asks “ Ab toh college over hone wala hai, NOW DECIDE. KI KYA KARNA HAI ” Instataneously Blue eyes lyrics starts playing in my crazy head to complete his line…

“Tujhko to zara sa bhi darr na hai.

Champagne ger di tune meri pant pe,

kehti hai change kar lo hotel leke Rent pe”

When I come back to senses I hear him finishing his speech “ Yehi haal raha to ek room bhi nahi le paoge rent pe ”

It is wrong to call it a new “year” resolution. At max you can call it a “week” resolution. That too very rarely. Every January I make sure that my alarm is set in time for early morning jogging and even authorize my mom to pull down my blankets and kick me hard if I don’t leave the bed. But if it continues in the second week I roar out loud covered in blanket Jai Ho style saying “ Aam student sota hua sher hai, Ungli mat kar. Kahin jaag gaya ………..toh phir se so jayega”

 Had I sincerely followed all my resolutions, I would've had 16 Pac Abs by now and biceps larger than those of Sonakshi Sinha's. And I wouldn't have been hopping like a kangaroo with my beer belly.

Today when my friend asked me “ Are you making your resolution again ? Who do you think  you are  fooling dude ? “ I make a constipated face and tilt my hat Dhoom’s Amir style and say “ Hum Law students hain dost..doosron ko hi nahin, khud ko bhi dhoka dete hain. Har Roz * Tilts Head * DHOOM WITH ME !

DIFFICULTY OF BEING BAD

Doing ‘gandi baat’ and being bad might be the new good of  Bollywood ( Be it Robin Hood Pandey , Faizal Khan or Bullet Raja ) but when it comes to Indian Politics, guess what’s  back in fashion ? Goodness. Being good is cool again.

Presently the situation in Delhi is no less than a bollywood drama. The Nayak type dramatic rise of this infant party and Pehle AAP politics which was unheard and unimaginable before is a delight to watch. Veteran parties which were experts in forming and deforming governments by hook or by crook are now claiming that they don’t believe in such politics. Horse-trading which was a common practice and to some extent allowed by our constitution is now seen as an unfair means by the political parties. It was believed that buying party support was a huge expense, but is now being offered for free, unconditionally and without even asking, on the ground of easing the burden of re-election from the public. Suddenly everyone has become so good.

AAP Jaisa koi meri Dilli Mein aaye...

Condition of congress is like that of a school boy who did not perform well in exams and is now guilty and subservient, ready to obey everything that people say. MMS’s mobile might always be on silent mode but he was now very quick to make a call to Anna the moment he started the fast .Lokpall bill, which was not even required few months back is now the prime concern of the congress put forth by the topmost leaders in a special press conference.

"Learning from competitors in ways you cant even imagine right now"

Namo is playing safe by keeping mum over all these issues , probably saving his energy to do “Maha Garjana”. Last we heard him speak was when he goofed up about Article 370. Now the Nation’s debate has reached till article 377 but he is still busy revising old chapters for the endterms in 2014, syllabus of which is huge. His strategic silence over all these issues of national importance where BJP has such an important role to play makes me wonder whether he is practicing being silent for long stay in PM chair just like MMS who almost finished chewing his centre fresh “Jo Zubaan pe rakhe Lagaam”. If Namo is tired by his “Run for Unity” I would like Milkha Singh to offer him Zhandu Kesari Jivan and say “Aap Senior citizen hain ? Jo itni Jaldi thak gaye ? Abhi to aap ne aur daudna hai “.

Bhaag Modi Bhaag

This atmosphere of portraying honesty, clean politics and non desirability of crown rather refraining from it has taken the Indian politics to a whole new level. However politicizing the issue of Lokpal bill is a bit disappointing. What was started as a public movement to “fight against corruption” now seems to be turning “fight for credit”. In this atmosphere of gentlemen behaviour they should also pay homage to Harry Truman’s saying that “ your work will succeed as long as you don't care who gets the credit ”.

Gurcharan Das in his book “ Difficulty of Being Good” explains Yudhistira's answer to Draupadi’s question  'Why be good?'. His answer “ I do not act for sake of dharma, I act because I must” implies that consequences or ends do not justify the means. Although the Pandavas have a perfectly legitimate end in regaining their stolen kingdom, they must recover it only by honest means, without compromising dharma.

This indeed is a start of a new type of Politics in India. The time will tell how long will it go, or how much substance it holds in the practical aspects of politics and administration but as it is said, well begun is half done and these winds of change are swirling and turning things upside down only to give soothing breeze later.

[Note: This is my unedited column for Sarvapratham ( www.sarvapratham.com) dated 14-12-13]

Style is Temporary, "Class" is Permanent.

 Piyush Mishra's voice -

" Out of all the arrangements in the universe, sitting arrangement inside classroom is one of the most interesting to observe.There are several classes within a class. Allow me to give you an insight of an average classroom arrangement in NLU , taking my own class as a sample.There are three rows ( Middle, Left wing and Right wing) and broadly two kinds of people -Moderate and Extremists in most classes. Extremists are further classified into Academic extremists and Bakchod extremists ".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----End of Narration. Now the Scene

The middle row is first occupied by these Academic Extremists. They are the most ferocious note takers and will write the fuck out of every lip movement and sneeze of the teacher.They wont miss a single information, as important as Mononita Ma'am in environmental law class saying " water is essential for life" or OP Sir in his spring fitted legs waving his hand to "cloze the door, right ?".

                                                         "Water is Essential For Life !"

They  make  the professors conscious as everything coming out of their mouth is going 'on record'. Academic extremists will report sharp at 8:30, when the bakchod extremists  are snoozing their alarm for 10 minutes, and their attendance will be 98 % even in Souvik sir's class ( 2 % deducted by Souvik to avoid suspicion). That row will also consist of people who will have no idea of what's going on in class but will oscillate their head faster than the speed of light giving an impression that no student ever gained more knowledge and that's how they become favorite of the teachers.

This row should be granted a special status under Artilce 370 that except under matters pertaining to notes, syllabus and marks they will concur with the rest of the class. Their cartel is so strong that you will never get to see their notebook. If a moderate, who doesn't mind sharing his notes, asks their notes to update some points, they will act like Shylock and make him sign the bond of not sharing his work anymore after taking their help. He is later seen chanting like a Zombie "One of them, one of them" depriving us of any notes for the end terms and I end up saying " Et Tu Bro...then Fail NGS ".

The rear part of the middle row will consist of intellectual Bakchods. Juxtapose their row-mate they will make sure that their ear is protected with earphones from any bullshit said in class and eyes are fixed on their fictional or non-fictional content.They prefer knowing what Dan Brown and William Dalrymple has to say rather than Mario or Chota Bheem and are seen with copies of Freakonomics in economics class. But they are always ready to join the class discussion whenever the situation demands so.

SAL, SAL, NAHI PATA SAL

The Left wing of the class is occupied by moderates in the front. Unlike others, moderates will participate in class only till the point you wont feel like kicking them out of the class. Their participation in academics and bakchodi is in equal proportion. They are however in minority.

The rear part of the left row is booked by Party People. Babes, Booze, Beaches,Boobs, Beers, Boxers  will  be all they talk about except offcourse football. They will make a trip or two to Goa, Pushkar or some MUN's in the middle of the semester and still score decent. They literally follow  Mallya's mantra of work hard and party harder. They will however be louder than Prof Yogesh Pai in the class.

Then comes the right wing. I will call it the Android row. Unlike academic extremists they don't use their smart phones to record lecture. Every one is seen looking at their crotch with full concentration and even if the teacher is dictating the end term syllabus, their primary concern is whether to upgrade the Jet pack, buy Yutani or ask for a life in candy crush. The owner of the device, however never gets to use it.

This row has no front population as it remains vacant and however congested and uncomfortable it may be, everyone is concentrated in the rear end .When asked to come forward, they use AC vent, fan or pigeon shit as an excuse. They are those unsung and unaccredited heroes who rescue the class from the torture by shouting "Sir  Tomorrow, Sir tomorrow" as soon as the lecture exceeds 40 minutes.

The Napsters are common in the rear end of all the three rows. A view from the backside resembles the control room of Inception where everyone is busy on a  top secret mission in each other's dream within a dream.

I HAVE A DREAM. WITHIN A DREAM

Although these spots are implicitly booked by those falling in respective categories, dispute arises when there is a Continuous Assessment Test. Everyone wants to sit at a place which is surrounded by academic extremists, beside a farredar friend or towards the wall. When the permanent occupant of the area raises an objection with regard to such change then everyone seems to subscribe to the philosophy that "Area kutton ke hote hain, Sher kahin bhi baith sakta hai".

Teachers have got used to this arrangement and adopt the policy of Laissez Faire. Unless you have someone like AKS who makes sure that everyone has brought his copy of Bare Act and Bennion under his Sarva Siksha Abhiyaan, no one cares what they are doing in the classroom. Lets just hope that things remain the same.

So... which Class do you belong ??