SWINE FLU KA DHOOM DHADAKA HU HA HU HA !

As the first case of H1N1 virus was reported positive in NLU, panic struck masked students were seen running around as if someone has planted a bomb in Campus. As soon as the authorities declared holiday for two weeks, campus was buzzing with news channels like ABP News, AAJ Tak , Headlines Today and Sumit Kumar Ganguly. The VC had decided to address the media in a press conference so I couldn’t resist sliding in and seeing what’s happening.

I was struggling my way into the conference hall but everyone was pushing me around. It was only when an ABP reporter stepped back and allowed me to come forward. I thanked him surprisingly, to which he replied” This is ABP News. AAP ko rakhe aage.”

 VC was sitting in the centre with all the prominent faculty members (And Shastri ji). The conference started:

Reporter1: Maa’m we have been hearing complains since past few weeks.Why was no action taken before?

VC: The moment I received complaints, ‘I was pleased’ to order my PA to call medical experts for a lecture in this topic and also asked him to arrange to quarantine this place. He could not understand my directions properly and called Quentin Tarrantino for lecture. I discovered it only a week later when he informed me that Quentin could not be reached and he has called Anurag Kashyap instead. I transferred my PA immediately using appropriate sections of Transfer of property Act. Now notices have been put up in mess area and HOR’s describing the meaning of the word ‘Quarantine’ for those who are demanding it without knowing what it means.

Reporter 2 : What actions have been taken to restrict the movement of persons in the campus ?

Chief warden stood up to answer this query but no one noticed him. It was only when he shouted out loud “ Ae Pharjee reporter!”, all cameras turned towards him. He said” We have been very far sighted about this and we have restricted the movement of people inside campus by out pass system ever since college was established. From now on, every time our students have to get their out pass signed by a swine flu expert also in addition to regular warden and chief warden.

Reporter 3: Is it a wise move to declare a sudden vacation for such a long period ?

Registrar, who was sitting in the public area, got up and faced the reporters” It was a tough call for an institute which never declared holidays even for gazetted holidays like Gandhi Jayanti. Rumours had it that a statue of Nathu Ram Godse was being installed in the green shed near acad block. For keeping the college open on occasions like Raksha Bandhan, Janm Asthami, Durga pooja, and celebrating events like valentine day, we were being branded anti-Hindutava by the new government. So we needed to send a strong message and compensate for all the vacations that have been taken away from our students to stay in good books of the government.

                             

Reporter 4: What about the placement Schedule that might get affected ?

Placement Kumar Sir, stood up this time to explain: "Yesh yesh. We had invited some law Firms and PSU’s for recruitment in this phase but they are very co-operative. They have agreed to shift the dates and meanwhile asked the students to re-submit their applications in Word Format, Excel Format, powerpoint format, PDF, paint, photoshop and also in ink and send scanned copies of the same to keep them engaged during this time. Anyways they have no vacancies now” He grinned.

Reporter 4:But how will students get reservations to go back home on such a short notice.

Placement Kumar Sir: I have an inside information that service tax and excise will be increased in this budget. So in my opinion it is better to avail the airline services before it is too expensive to afford. Anyways most students were already planning a Goa trip this semester so we are just facilitating their plan.

Reporters then turned towards students and asked what measures have been taken by the administration to help the infected and suspected cases.

Ganguly jumped in to answer but mike was snatched by a group of angry students who were suffering from normal cold.” it is a terrible situation here. Anyone who sneezes in the vicinity is looked down upon and is being treated as if he is not an NLUite anymore but Amity law Student. Ever since I caught simple cold, people are avoiding me like a Paid SDL Party. Every one has advice for us and it looks more like AIIMS than NLU. Even the dumbest of student is flaunting his knowledge on swine flu and talking in terms of N95 and oseltamivir phosphate, giving most of us an inferiority complex.

After this, many students and reporters started shouting and there was a complete chaos in the room till Shastri Ji stepped out, stood in the middle and closed his eyes. The room fell silent. Then he shook his head several times and spoke” If I may take the platform for 45 seconds, I am deeply desirous of giving you the precious advice that your voluminous queries could be satisfied only if you take your respective platforms in a prescribed manner.” Everyone stared at him with a look of absolute shock and confusion. He inserted his hands inside the collar of his Kurta and pulled out a pen drive that was tied around his neck and balanced it on his palms.”This memory device resting in my palms has all the answers that you seek as it has research papers on pre-conception and Pre-natal diagnostic technique Act, which according to me answers all queries arising in human mind in this world.” He stopped for a moment, checked his watch and continued ”As promised, my 45 seconds are over and I beg your leave as I have to procure my sitting arrangement in Mandore express at Platform one. Thank you.” He bowed and waited for applause, but when no one clapped he hurriedly left the room.

Students left to book Tatkal and flight tickets, shouting " Swine Flu Ka Dhoom Dhadaka Hu Ha Hu Ha!